Thursday, 7 July 2011

To Be Weightless

What does "weightless" mean.

Now if you've read my post about me and the story of my eating disorder you may jump to the conclusion that I can't be in recover because my blog is titled "Weightless Ambition".  That I must not be in recovery as I am clearly still obsessed with weight.  So I would like to clear that up and say it's actually the opposite.

To me to be weightless means to be free- to be free of my eating disorder, to be free from worrying about my weight, to be free from calorie counting.  Weightless to me means to be light, with no worries, nothing bogging me down.  In terms of actual weight, weightless means to me to not care about what I weight, what size of clothes I wear, to stop scrutinizing my flaws and love myself.

It is my ultimate goal in my recovery to reach the point of weightless- a time when I am free to live my life free of my eating disorder and free to bask in the incredible light that is life.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

About Me

There are many words that could be used to describe me- intelligent, opinionated, tall, a student, a daughter, and an anorexic.  As you grow you realize that simple labels can never tell the whole story, that's probably why I decided to write a blog; to go beyond simple labels, to describe, and more importantly to get my story heard.

In the simplest terms I'm a 20 year-old college student.  I get average grade.  I have no idea what I'm going to do once I'm done school.  My future lacks any serious direction at the current moment. Best of all, I'm okay with that.

Since I was young I've always loved school, so no suprise that upon graduating I went straight into university into the Faculty of Nursing.  After a few mishaps (thank you tequila) I chose to withdraw from nursing and began in a business diploma the following September.  Fingers crossed I'll be graduating in April of 2012.

Possibly the more impending factor in my life right now would be my eating disorder.  My eating disorder developed in May of 2011.  Like with many addictions (yes, I classify eating disorders as addictions) it began slowly and I didn't realize what I was falling into.  As the months progressed so too did my eating disorder.  As tragic events would happen my eating disorder offered an odd sort of comfort and control that I revelled in when I felt I was losing control of everything else. 

I hit my lowest point in December of 2011 when my then boyfriend was transferred to a job more than 1800 km away.  I threw myself even farther into an already prevelent anorexia, at that point the only way I could stay upright was thanks to copius amounts of caffeine and nicotine.  My energy was gone, any ambitions I had were out the window, I was always, ALWAYS, cold, I began losing weight even faster, and clear thinking was a thing of the past- my entire body and brain revolted against my self-imposed starvation.  It was at that point I knew that I needed to stop.

Shortly before Christmas I called my best friend, who knew about my eating disorder, and told her I wanted to get better.  Well we all know that thinking something and doing something are completely different things, but I had taken the first step in the right direction- I not only told myself I wanted to get better, but I verbalized it to someone else.

On New Years Eve, December 31, 2011 I did the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done in my life- I went to my Mom and told her and talked with her about my eating disorder.  Knowing that I had my mom's support and love I knew that I was armed and ready to step into a new year and my recovery.

Since that day I have been on an unpredictable and winding road on a long journey they call recovery.  My light at the end of the tunnel is just that a light.  To be recovered.  To be free of my eating disorder. Actually just to be free.  To be weightless.  I'm not there yet, but one day.

So this is it.

The story of my recovery.

Ups and downs.

With the other aspects of my life thrown in.

If anyone reads it, I hope they enjoy it.  But really, I just need to get it down.